A big issue for guys who lack success with women is that they don´t recognize the signals they get. No matter who you are and how you look, some women will simply be into you.

This doesn´t mean that there is no room for improvement, because your particular look may only be attractive to one in a few hundred woman, whereas if you made an effort in maximizing your appeal to the opposite sex, those numbers would dramatically rise.

But what are some of the signals women give? I don’t want to talk about some of the minor ones yet, because many guys miss a green light the size of Las Vegas. The single most obvious one is — a smile! Yes, when she is smiling in your direction, she might want to encourage you to walk up to her. 

A Note on Looks and Appearances 

Maybe you think you are either born good-looking or you aren’t. If you are, then you’ve won the genetic lottery, and if not, there is nothing you can do. Right? 

Thankfully, this is wrong. 

While genetic and environmental factors are undeniable, there is a lot you can do to look better. By taking care of your looks, you will be more appealing to the opposite sex. Yes, girls will react more positively towards you, and your partner will feel more attracted to you again. 

How do you react when you feel that you were treated wrongly? Do you just forget about it or do you remember it from time to time, maybe even years later? What I have found is that a lot of people have a tendency to do some kind of mental accounting and keep track of what some people do for them as well as what they do in return. 

Not only is this an unhealthy view on human relationships, it is also fundamentally misleading. Sure, some people will ruthlessly take advantage of you if you let them, but you should see this coming far in advance. What I am more concerned with is the typical “tit for tat” strategy you encounter in business environments. So, you ask your colleague Frank from accounting to get you some data. He does so, but instead of being grateful for his assistance as it saved you a lot of work, you may feel annoyed because he hadn’t done it more quickly. Of course, this is just a precaution to make sure that the balance you keep in your mind doesn’t swing too much in his favor. 

Some seemingly difficult problems have surprisingly simple solutions. It isn’t so much the case that it was too difficult to find a way around those obstacles, but merely that it’s hard to approach an issue with a completely open mind. If you like action movies, then you’ve probably watched Raiders of the Lost Ark. In one particularly remarkable scene, Indiana Jones gets challenged by a sword-fighter. His stature and obvious skills with his weapon look impressive at first. But what does Indy do? After a moment of hesitation he realizes something very important but not immediately obvious: that he can just shoot the guy! 

In real life, alternative solutions don’t necessarily have such a powerful effect, but on the other hand, you normally don’t face life or death situations either. One of your concerns may be to become a better conversationalist. If you seek advice, you will hear that you should join an organization like Toastmasters to polish your public speaking skills. Somebody else may recommend stand-up comedy to improve your sense of humor, and lastly, there is the rather vague suggestion to read about many culturally relevant topics, so that you always have something knowledgeable or insightful to contribute. 

I get the impression that people find it incredibly difficult to make friends in life. In school, you automatically befriended some of the people you spent most time with, but in adult life, you have to make more of an effort. However, because they only ever accidentally became friends with others, they are oblivious to the process, and may even have to deal with some psychological hurdles.

Your friends hopefully support you and contribute to your success. You can talk about them with everything, and you may also think that they give you advice that is in your best interest, if you need it. However, you probably didn’t actively select your circle of friends. Instead, it was in most if not all cases maybe a bit random at first, but sooner or later you realized you had something in common and opened up to each other. 

This implies that there is a strong bias among the people you associate with. If you hang out with the same four or five people all the time, then you may not even be aware that you are, abstractly spoken, a self-selecting group that only admits new members if their points of view are not too far apart from each other. I may sound dry and technical, but what I just wrote has important consequences.